Saturday, October 18, 2008

The New Right-Wing Guide to Profanity

Under the Bush Regime the right-wing lemming movement has not only hijacked country music, the Constitution, the right to cheer for the military and the goatee, but it appears as though they have begun an aggressive assault on the English vocabulary.

It is understood that here in Amirca (Bush pronunciation) we have a certain slang in our representation of the English language. From Texas to Arkansas and from Missouri to southeastern Georgia, you will find an infinite number of different accents coupled with regional expressions that violate nearly every grammatical rule. But they are undoubtedly OUR expressions.

We thought they would have been satisfied with this. Apparently they're not.

The right-wing and its Hall of Justice, Fox News, have cornered several meaningful words and have deemed them blasphemous. The very existence of these words is threatened! (Not sure which color the terror level meter would be...probably a burnt orange or scarlet red).

The following 10 words have been kidnapped by the right wing. The problem: they have no idea of their meaning but they use them in emergency situations like an eject button in a fighter plane right before impact.

If you see a right-wing lemming using these words, usually in the midst of a Sean Hannity talking point, call your local English teacher or librarian and report them immediately.

1.) Socialist

Actual meaning: Of or pertaining to a political and economic theory or system of social organization based on collective or state ownership of the means of production, distribution, and exchange. Like capitalism, it takes many and diverse forms.

Right-Wing meaning: "Means that you wanna give away all my stuff to somebody else and I have to pay more money for stuff I ain't got no more. All them librals is socialists. Like in Europe and stuff."

I will now use the word socialist in a sentence: Being unable to express individual thoughts and be recognized for them is indicative of a socialist intellectualism.

2.) Marxist

Actual meaning: Of or pertaining to the political and economic philosophy of Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels in which the concept of class struggle plays a central role in understanding society's allegedly inevitable development from bourgeois oppression under capitalism to a socialist and ultimately classless society.

Right-Wing meaning: "It's that one guy with the long beard who wanted to everyone to get the same haircut and then share their meals together. What a crazy kook! This here is one of Obama's buddies. They drank that funky tea together in Chicago while they was talkin' 'bout bein' radical and stuff."

I will now use the word marxist in a sentence: Marxist natural process is clearly represented during the eight long years under the Bush Regime; the working class has experienced new depths of poverty while the wealthy have experienced incredible growth in their net worth.

3.) Communist

Actual meaning: Of or pertaining to a system of government in which the state plans and controls the economy and a single, often authoritarian party holds power, claiming to make progress toward a higher social order in which all goods are equally shared by the people.

Right-Wing meaning: "Soviet Union, vodka and Ivan Drago from Rocky IV. Far as I'm concerned, anybody who don't think Amirca is #1 in everything is a communist."

I will now use the word communist in a sentence: The federal financial rescue package passed by Congress is almost communist: we all share in the debt and risk but only Wall Street gets the rewards.

4.) Radical

Actual meaning: Departing markedly from the usual or customary; extreme: radical opinions on education. Favoring or effecting fundamental or revolutionary changes in current practices, conditions, or institutions: radical political views.

Right-Wing meaning: "Freak! Why you wanna go changin' everything around? Damn it! You librals bein' for peace and equality...y'all just a bunch of radical radicals and stuff."

I will now use the word radical in a sentence: To be for torture, wiretapping and eliminating habeas corpus is a radical shift from the fundamental principles of our Constitution.

5.) Liberal

Actual meaning: Not limited to or by established, traditional, orthodox, or authoritarian attitudes, views, or dogmas; free from bigotry.Favoring proposals for reform, open to new ideas for progress, and tolerant of the ideas and behavior of others; broad-minded. Of, relating to, or characteristic of liberalism.

Right-Wing meaning: "Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly told me that librals is just another word for traitor. You librals wantin' all that peace, freedom and equality. Well guess what...freedom ain't free and these colors don't run. I got yer tolerance for other people's ideas right here...!"

I will now use the word liberal in a sentence: Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, John Adams and John Hancock were all signatories of the Declaration of Independence and were all very liberal men.

6.) Global

Actual meaning: Of, relating to, or involving the entire earth; worldwide: global war; global monetary policies.

Right-Wing meaning: "Who cares about the rest of the global peoples? Only thing that matters is the Global War of Terror that Amirca is bringin' to other parts of globe. Hey, if you don't come to democracy then democracy is comin' to you! Yee-haw! We gotta figure out a way to get the globe to cooperate with us. We're Amirca, damn it!"

I will now use the word global in a sentence: In an effort to speed up global warming, Governor Sarah Palin pushes for more drilling in the Arctic Wildlife Natural Refuge and continues to push for the extinction of polar bears in order to achieve it.

7.) European

Actual meaning: A person, object or attribute of the continent of Europe, the European Union, or a descendent of a European ethnic group or of a European person.

Right-Wing meaning: "People who talk funny, don't take showers or shave, eat weird food and listen to classical music. Fox News calls 'em elitists!"

I will now use the word European in a sentence: My experience has been that an average European citizen has more geographical knowledge of the United States than do most Americans.

8.) Fair

Actual meaning: Having or exhibiting a disposition that is free of favoritism or bias; impartial: a fair mediator. Just to all parties; equitable: a compromise that is fair to both factions. Being in accordance with relative merit or significance: She wanted to receive her fair share of the proceeds. Consistent with rules, logic, or ethics: a fair tactic.

Right-Wing meaning: "Fox News is fair and balanced. Who' da thunk it that Obama was a Muslim AND he had a crazy Christian pastor at the same time?"

I will now use the word fair in a sentence: When a political party rigs voting machines and threatens potential voters of the rival candidate, one can say that an election of this sort would not be fair.

9.) Community Organizer

Actual meaning: Community organizers create social movements by building a base of concerned people, mobilizing these community members to act, and developing leadership from and relationships among the people involved.

Right-Wing meaning: "Community organizers are a bunch of radicals trying to help other people, kinda like a socialist, and these organizers try to get them off poverty and stuff, teach 'em how to get a skill or something. Not quite sure...I heard Sarah Palin make a joke about it at the convention and everyone get a kick out of it! I guess it's just a bunch of people who ain't got nuthin' better to do than to help other people."

I will now use the term community organizer in a sentence: Jesus Christ was a liberal community organizer.

10.) Feminist

Actual meaning: Belief in the social, political, and economic equality of the sexes; the radical notion that females are human beings and are equal to men.

Right-Wing meaning: "Kinda like when a female wants to become special; you know, like when you're in the finals of a competition, then you're a finalist. Same thing here: a female becomes a feminist. All it takes is nice pair o' legs, a uterus and the occasional wink at me here in the audience."

I will now use the word feminist in a sentence: To say that Sarah Palin is a feminist would be to say that Dick Cheney is a philanthropist.

To everyone: take back these words and their meaning, take back your democracy from those who threaten it and continue to be truth-seekers.


Tamara said...

To add to feminist: The purest form of feminism is to hold a woman to the same standards you would hold a man. Yup. I'd laugh at Sarah if she were a man, too.

Brandi said...

Fantastic writing! Thanks for the smile. :)

Rob said...

Excellent analysis Jeff. Unfortunately nearly half the voting public aren't yet convinced of the definitions you've highlighted, and any clear logic and mere facts you raise in support may do little to dissuade their heartfelt if misguided beliefs. Facts and inconsistencies that contrast with their beliefs are often irrelevant to people whose beliefs are faith-based, no matter what that faith is. Some faiths welcome open discussion; most are threatened by it.

Tuesday's inauguration won't mean that efforts to educate the public are no longer required, but it does mean that logic may hold more influence than personal prejudice over public policy decisions. I've taken the day off work to watch, and look forward to the global colonic. The cleansing is already starting, it already feels good, and there's more good ahead. Some of it will be tough medicine, and a lot of it will require our direct involvement, but in the long run we'll be better off for it.