Sunday, January 17, 2010

2010...Republicans modify "Axis of Evil" list

Just because Republicans were overwhelmingly and passionately voted out of office by reality-based voters in November of 2008 does not mean that the Hate Train gets a rest. On the contrary. The Hate Train has added several more cars to its haul and thousands more lost, mindless souls. Fox News incessantly provides the coal as Republicans continue to scour America for more Sarah Palins and Joe the Plumbers: people who could not care any less for facts or truth and who must cling to at least one good conspiracy theory about Obama or they will be forever labeled as, "dang libral".

New elections called for new things to hate. No reason necessary. In fact, having a reason actually gets in the way as it requires some sort of brain power and critical thinking: both of which are abhorred by the Republican base.

I will try to include the entire 2010 Republican Axis of Evil List. It is quite the challenge as the list grows sporadically and unpredictably; on any given occasion it could add 3 items in one day and other times go a month with the same, tired hate targets. Personalities like Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity certainly have been busy little bees in order to keep this list freshly-stocked and always cloaked in "Christian values".

Here's what I've come up with:

1. Marxism, or any derivative of the word. Karl Marx, the Marx brothers, Richard Marx, or any older man with a long beard that has some shades of grey in it. This is a term that gets thrown around a lot. It was on the 2008 and 2009 list as well. There are to my knowledge 2 Republicans in the world who understand Marxism and its complex nature. Both of those individuals are in a witness-protection program and their whereabouts are secret. Dick Cheney knows where they are and you can bet they're being tortured right now.

Be careful here: if you ask one of your Republican neighbors or a Tea Bagger to discuss Marxism, you better be ready for some violence. When you stump a Republican or Tea Bagger, their response is usually to intimidate you by yelling or threatening violence. That right there has more to do with Marxism than any other issue in the debate. Funny how that works.

2. Chicago. Anyone or anything from Chicago. Yes, even the Cubs. Damn, even the Cubs. Those Lovable Losers are now part of the Chicago Political Machine that Obama founded in 19...err...whatever. Upon being elected president, little did Obama know that he put Chicago on the Axis of Evil. Apparently between being born in Kenya and coming out of his mother's womb in Honolulu, the infant found time to start the corrupt Chicago political scene. Was this kid destined for great things or what??

When Chicago lost in its bid to land the 2016 Summer Olympics, Republicans cheered with the same fervor as when we brought Apollo 13 safely back to Earth. Amazing that in this economy that many fellow Americans would cheer for same number of fellow Americans to stay unemployed. Patriotism to the maximum.

3. Leftist Agenda. Hell, I don't even know what this means. But it's on the list and it doesn't matter how it got there. Ask any Republican what this is and they just may kick you right in the choda for even asking them that. Especially if you ask them that while they are away from the TV or Hannity radio program. They are like cornered dobermans: scared, confused and angry.

4. Socialism. Again the Repubicans struggle with all of the -isms except racism, sexism and warism. Along with socialism comes socialized medicine. To Republicans this means that if we pass a comprehensive health insurance bill that will cover uninsured Americans, instead of providing health insurance coverage to those who have none, we would simply change our country's name to France, begin speaking French and ship all of our medical devices from every single medical facility to Iceland. Then all of the doctors would grow beards like Karl Marx and send you to death camps in Stalingrad. What's so funny? Sarah Palin said it's true.

5. Global Warming/Al Gore. "We're still havin' them change of seasons so how can we be havin' global warmins'?" The most uneducated voting base on the planet has now ventured into the world of science. God help us.

By global warming being on the Axis of Evil the Republicans are now determined to pollute the planet even further and thereby destroying it. Then they will all sit back and laugh and point fingers saying, "Hahahaha....told ya there was no such thing...dadgum kool-aid drinkers!"

6. Taxes. Apparently giving the middle-class tax breaks and lifting them on the wealthy have really angered some middle-class blue collar Republicans. Who would have ever thought that the middle-class would literally die to protect the wealthy? Germany 1936...cough...cough.

Karl Marx would certainly be upset but what did he know, friggin' Marxist/Socialist?

This was the glue that brought all of the Tea Baggers together. The same ones who said, "Tell government to keep their hands of my Medicare!" Nothing like showing off your intellect in a room lacking intellect.

7. Czars. Bush had them in his administration but when Bush would pronounce the word "Czar" it had a southern twang to it and therefore it reaked of America. (almost like, "Las' night I went to duh drive in and I czar a Clint Eastwood movie.") Obama has them and somehow we are reminded of the Gulag and the hammer and sickle...and Ivan Drago, of course..."I vill crush you."

Glenn Beck has made it his life's purpose to rid the Obama administration of anyone who has a last name whose letters can be rearranged to spell "Commie", "Russian", "Red", "Sickle", "Drago" (from Rocky IV), "Gorbachev", "Putin" or "Vodka".

8. Hawaii. Paradise to some but absolute Hell to Republicans. This is the "apparent" birthplace of Barack Hussein Obama. Birth certificate...check. Article in paper....check. Official birth records...check. Placenta?.....HA ! Where is it MR. PRESIDENT??? Kenya??

Many Republicans are now boycotting Hawaii for fear of brushing up against the birth certificate. They would rather catch cholera in the Amazon than have to look at that piece of paper.

9. Haiti. This one was just added as Obama promised to help Haiti in the wake of one of the world's greatest tragedies in the last 120 years. If Obama promises to help you, you are immediately and firmly placed on the Axis of Evil (poor people, gay people, minorities have all been on the Axis of Evil at some point in time). Because, as Pat Robertson would argue, natural disasters are brought on by people and their choices. Mother Nature? Meteological phenomena? Those weren't around when Jesus was drivin' his Expedition...were they?

Fox News ran an Op-Ed piece where the author questioned whether America should help Haiti or not and tied it criticism of Obama. Nothing like selective compassion by people who claim to follow the most UNSELECTIVELY compassionate person in the history of the world.

10. Teleprompters. Who would have thought this great invention would meet such a terrible fate? Bush used them. Clinton used them. Mostly Bush read from text on paper but still needed assistance. So has nearly every president and every high school speech class student for the last 200 years.

But...for some, Obama has a skin color problem. Republicans have no choice but to tie that to intelligence ("I have many black friends who are very articulate"). Obama needs the teleprompter whereas Bush just had it laying around and decided to use it.
11. Jimmy Carter. Yep. Old Peanuts has found himself on the Axis of Evil for probably the last 5-6 years. When Republicans have whipping post fever, old JC is the only cure. I don't see Jimmy getting off of the list even post-mortem.
12. Education. This one is HUGE ! If there's one thing Sarah Palin and Joe the Plumber have in common it's the lack of education. And that my friends, gets Republicans more turned on than Donald Rumsfeld attending the International Convention of Torturous Devices. Being educated means you care about facts, data and truth. Who needs that crap when you have a gun, a Cabela's hat and a goatee?
Speaking in sound bites, leaving the -ing off of -ing words (such as "hatin' librals"), claiming to not know how Washington works, refusing to read books with facts, exhibiting a stunning display of ignorant hypocrisy, not believing in dinosaurs or the Roman Empire...are all very attractive to the Republican base. Dare I say.,..erotic?
When Sarah Palin was asked by Glenn Beck which of our country's Founding Fathers were her favorite, Sarah calmly and confidently replied: "Oh...I don't know...all of them!" You nailed it, sister. You dropped that gem and a thousand Republicans watching just lit a cigarette and gave a deep sigh, moaning..."Now THAT was good!"
Do your best to derail the train, truth seekers and remember, we don't shoot our wounded.